So I got myself talked into directing a film for this 24 hour filmmaking challenge hosted by the British Pavilion in Cannes by a guy called Johnny Oddball.
We go to networking party on the Friday night. Nothing glamorous just the poor French cousin of the local ‘Coach and Horses’. I tell Johnny I have two cameras on me, one PAL and one 24P NTSC and ask if he can project the latter as I’d love to shoot on it. He assures me that it’ll be no problem. I ask about the grand prize for the winner and he says that it will probably be Avid software as they are one of the main sponsors. I think cool, I can do with something like Avid DV Xpress and we decide to go for it.
So Saturday 11pm and no sign of Johnny, as he is trying to sort out his own accreditation at Cannes, the passport to getting into anything official. We had the same problem an hour earlier but managed to sort it out. Fine one hour later than promised, they pull a title and a genre out of a hat and you have 24 hours to hand in a 3 minute short. So it was me and 3 actors and we got LOST IN CANNES, Black Comedy. To make the challenge slightly more difficult for my team, E! Entertainment Channel decide to follow our team around for 24 hours making a docu of us making our film. So there I am hiding out in the American Pavilion with a big free coffee and my laptop thinking ‘what the hell are we going to shoot’ But soon enough inspiration strikes.
The pervious night Mahny my actress asked Dennis Hopper to be in our film but he politely turned us down. We enlisted a cameo from France’s number one ragga star Lord Kossity with the help of some lovely people promoting an electric buggy and my very savvy actor Darren Darnborough.
Lord Kossity agrees and next thing we know we are shooting a scene with him on board a cruise ship in Cannes harbor, not bad production value for a no budget 24 hour short.
So we pull it off, I script from 12 Saturday till 1, start shooting till midnight, edit from 12 to 4, sleep 2 hours, then edit till 9, shoot an extra bit and edit until 5 minutes to 12. When we get there it appears that we are the only finished team as quite a few of the others seem to have gotten extensions, also everyone else’s films are around the 6 minutes mark and I killed all my best gags to get it in around 3 – the official time.
Never mind, we show up at the screening that evening and I get told that our film’s been compiled onto a master tape with everyone else’s. I ask if the quality is okay as mine is NTSC and you can’t just crash record it onto a pal tape from one pal camera to another. Johnny assures me that it’s fine. I sayshow me, so he does.
I point out that it’s out of sync and littered with drop frames, meanwhile
I’m thinking how embarrassing it’s going to be when my star shows up with his whole entourage and sees the film butchered like this.I tell Johnny no problem, I’ve got the camera it was shot on, on me plus a spare copy and he can forward past it and project it from my camera – last in the program. Meanwhile I’m also trying to help the other American team
who are trying to get their film from a laptop to a tape, same camera as mine. I lend them my battery and expertise.
I tell Johnny that he knew I was shooting NTSC as I specifically asked him about it the night before. He tells me that this will interrupt the show and tells me we should discuss it afterwards. I tell him afterwards is too late and so he pushes me out of his projection room.
Then the E! guys show up asking me, “so you must be relieved and veryexcited”. I tell them “not exactly”.
Then Johnny on spotting the cameras rushes back and tells me it will be okay after all to project my film off my NTSC camera. I rush back to the Americans and say sorry guys I’m going to need that battery I lend you. I give it all to the projectionist show them how to plug it up and they re-emerge tell me my tape is not cued up and that they won’t waste any more time on me. Meanwhile the show has already stopped three times because Johnny Oddball is havingtechnical difficulties on other films, mostly due to the fact that he’s running the whole thing off his own camcorder with no professional deck in sight. Live in front of the cameras I demonstrate that my tape is perfectly cued up with countdown leader and everything.
Johnny tells me that I’m making a fuss out of nothing as all the judges have seen my film already anyway (IN IT’S PISS POOR DROPFRAME STATE)
and then…
No sleep, no reward I lose it right there in front of the E! guys. I pull my film out of the festival, tell Johnny I’m suing him if he tries to screen it and continue to have it out with him in front of the media for all his Mickey Mouse shambles. “Did you really think you were going to get no NTSC entries at an International festival from the biggest filmmaking country in the world” I argue when we’re standing next to the American pavilion (he bragged the previous night that he had American teams taking part).
I also demand to know who the judges of the competition were as he claimed earlier that they would be celebrities. Turns out later that maybe he judged it all himself. I storm off. He runs after me apologizing. I have another go about the fact that everyone else’s films are running at six minutes with uncleared music whereas my composer worked through the night on mine.
In front of the cameras still I go ” you know what, I made this film in 12 hours, I’m going to organize my own premiere in the next 12.
Then I walk off thinking okay if I don’t pull this off I’m going to be the biggest willy in all of Cannes.
Meanwhile some of my team are begging me to come back and screen the moviebut when I explain they decide to back me up and the girls make a huge
speech in front of the cameras back at the pavilion about how we’ve been screwed by Johnny. Kelly, my one actress gets spotted by big casting agent straight after all this.
So I wander around aimlessly. Later I bump into the winners of the challenge, friends of Johnny’s, they’ve won a mouse mat and a t-shirt, both with the AVID logo.
I sympathize then decide to go back and get some sleep. I pass the CANAL + outdoor stage, biggest in Cannes and at that precise moment my star LordKossity performs his hit single in front of a crowd of thousands, all going ballistic, it’s electrifying. I have my camera on me and film it. This was the reason he couldn’t make the screening. I start to realize that there must be a God.
So I phone Darren lines are buzzing all over Cannes and two hours later we have a maybe on screening our film on board a cruise ship 250 seater luxurycinema the following night.
I decide to polish the film slightly and remix the sound for the big event. We have 12 hours to organise a screening, website, flyers, entries and re-edit the film to a 6 minute version like everyone else’s.
And so the chaos continues for another day, I cut a 6 minute version whilst we organise a party, guest list, flyers and spent a bit of time polishing the sound as well.
I leave for the cruise ship with the laptop in my bag physically burning the project as we traveldown. I arrive at the little shuttle boat with cameras and a spotlight waiting for me. They interview me for the hundredth time as we motor to the cruise ship. ON board the cruise ship,
I run away from the cameras to try and find the projectionist to give him the film. The ship is massive and I get lost going up and down the elevator trying to find the screening room.
I end up at a dinner table with the captain/owner of the boat, they want to know what the hell is going on and how come the whole ship is buzzing about this film of mine. I apologize explain and they buy me a drink, welcome me and tell me that the cinema is mine for the night. In fact the owner asks if we can also screen the film for him privately.
And so we have a screening with our VIP’s and the rest mostly French guests who absolutely love the film. We are heaped with applause and goodwill and the only damper is the fact thatLord Kossity doesn’t show, but hey we figure this guy has tickets to every party in Cannes.
After the screening there is a massive party on the boat. Two hours later we find out that Lord Kossity is on his way, I say I don’t believe it but we are assured that his Lordship has left the shore. I stumble into the now darkened cinema to make sure everything is set up for the 2nd screening. It is pitch black in there. I flick what looks like a light switch and ta-daah!
Turns out it was a fire switch and all the doors and shutters in the cinema slam shut – there I am the director TRAPPED ALONE IN THE CINEMA.I laugh, laugh again and then start to panic. Can’t reach anyone on their mobiles as they are all partying deservedly.
Then finally I discover a small emergency exit and get out with the next bad news, someone had nicked our master tape. Luckily I have a back up. Now we need to fill the cinema again at 3 in the morning and the snooty DJ refuses to interrupt his set so we can make an announcement for the 2nd screening.
Still we manage to fill half the cinema for a 2nd session as word spreads that Lord Kossity is on board. He seems to really like it and wants a copy, possible talks for me doing a promo for him and performs a set on the boat.
At this stage 4 in the morning I have to leave for Cannes shore, pack my bags and walk to the
airport bus stop to catch my plane 4 hours later. Sleep a very distant memory indeed.
